After many conversations with girlfriends the mandated topic came up of men. Each woman was speaking through heartbreaking experiences trying to connect with the opposite sex. They would say “do you think I called/text him too much? Did I say I missed him and it pushed him away?” And it broke my heart a little bit to hear them ask these questions; maybe more so because they are ones I ask myself.
Studying A Course in Miracles, my lesson of the day happens to be “I will not be afraid of love today.” Yet when I thought of building into love all I felt was fear. Fear that if I communicate too much, I will be rejected. Fear that if I am my full self too soon, I will not be further pursued. And somewhere in this insanity I must have determined being who I really am will only be found repulsive and therefore unlovable.
Now I realize A Course in Miracles is discussing Love with a capital L. The kind transcending physical presence and earthly limitation, but the idea of being afraid about love remains a connecting point for me; even if this connecting point involves romantic love. It calls me to ask why I am afraid to expose myself through communication with men. And, when did building intimate relationships become a fear-based system of checks and balances determining whether someone will ever love you?
I feel exhausted as I pour over this in my mind, yet it keeps tugging at my emotions. Because for years I realize I have been developing the idea intimacy requires fear first. And though I feel communication is a key point to intimacy, I had also created the notion that requesting it in frequency would mean the death of a potential relationship; something only amplifying my fear in seeking it; and finally something only magnifying my desire to hide who I am.
However, even though I have posed questions on fear, I realize in the end perhaps it is time to ask a different self-reflective question: why am I afraid to love myself? Because in truth, these other queries have become a means of projecting my fear onto another person – to blame them for the fear I have inside.
Therefore it is time to stop thinking intimacy and communication to be someone else’s issue and instead be intimate and communicate with me. And in this will I find true love of self through discovering my own worth, developing my own acceptance and taking comfort in who I am. And maybe, just maybe, when I understand fear of loving myself was the only fear of intimacy I ever really had – my interaction with men will change for the better…